Everything I Believed

Hmm...I'm back here again.

On second thought, I'm probably far worse than I was last time.

It's funny you can tell it's me just by the cynicism.

I've always been a bit of a cynic.

That much I know.

But lately, even I think I'm becoming far too cynical.

Although, in my mind, that doesn't mean I'm wrong.

So, I watched (500) Days of Summer three times very recently.

It's made me realise some things that I missed the first time I watched it.

To start, Zooey Deschanel (Summer) is amazing.

Second, are people really in love or in love with the idea of love?

Third, it destroyed my beliefs.

To paraphrase Joseph Gordon-Levitt (Tom):

"It sucks realising everything you once believed in is complete and utter bullshit."

Fate, destiny?

Love?

What does that word even mean?

Its all just fantasy.

Pop culture, Hollywood movies, they are the ones to blame.

They give us unrealistic portrayals of how we are supposed to feel, what we are supposed to do and say.

However, I think that's what made made (500) Days of Summer interesting.

It was realistic.

It was believable.

Most of all, it hit close to home.

The Escape

The silence as night turns to day.
A silence I endure each and every day.
A silence which tortures my mind.

Why did it all end up like this?
And to think, someone I considered a close friend won't even talk to me about it.
You broke my trust.
You went against your own words.
You're a fucking child.
You don't know when to say no.

But, if you make her happy, then by all means continue.
However, I can never trust you again.
How can I?
How could you?

Not that it matters.
Right now, I just need to get out of here.
Really far away from here.
I need to escape, from you, from her, from this place.
Its haunting me and I can't take it.

Not a single crap was given.

All these years I was right about you.
As much as I didn't want to believe it.
I never told you anything.
I'll never tell you anything.
Not like you care anyway.

As soon as I heard the words come out from your mouth.

"I don't care."
"I don't care."

I need to get out of here. Fast.

Your Turn.

There.
I said it.
I honestly said what I feel.
Now you hold the cards.
Its your turn.

If I just disappear, will everything be better?

Withdrawal

What is wrong with me.
Don't eat.
Don't sleep.
Don't study.
What am I...

So many feelings just building up, but there's no release.
Sometimes I forget how much I've bottled up.
At other times I feel like I'm going to explode.
Especially late at night/early in the morning.
And those are the loneliest times.
Even if there was someone I could talk to, they would be asleep.
Not that anyone cares.

I feel like a paradox.
I want to yell my feelings out to anyone who cares to listen.
But I'm scared to say how I really feel.
Because it would either make or break my life right now.
I don't even know what I'm achieving by writing this right now.

I guess...
I want you back.
More than ever.
Even if we have no future.
I miss you more than you'll ever know.
I miss the feeling you gave me.
Was it happiness?
I'm beginning to forget.
All I know is, I was a far better person with you.

I know, I know.
I shouldn't be relying on someone to make me happy.
But even if I want you back.
There's no way that will happen.
There's no way I can tell you how I feel.
When did everything get so complicated between us?
Between everyone?

I've become so...withdrawn.

Ne-Yo - Let Me Love You (Until You Learn To Love Yourself)

Girl let me love you
And I will love you
Until you learn to love yourself
Girl let me love you
And all your troubles
Don't be afraid, girl let me help
Girl let me love you
And I will love you
Until you learn to love yourself

It will be a long time before I ever love myself.