Everything I Believed

Hmm...I'm back here again.

On second thought, I'm probably far worse than I was last time.

It's funny you can tell it's me just by the cynicism.

I've always been a bit of a cynic.

That much I know.

But lately, even I think I'm becoming far too cynical.

Although, in my mind, that doesn't mean I'm wrong.

So, I watched (500) Days of Summer three times very recently.

It's made me realise some things that I missed the first time I watched it.

To start, Zooey Deschanel (Summer) is amazing.

Second, are people really in love or in love with the idea of love?

Third, it destroyed my beliefs.

To paraphrase Joseph Gordon-Levitt (Tom):

"It sucks realising everything you once believed in is complete and utter bullshit."

Fate, destiny?

Love?

What does that word even mean?

Its all just fantasy.

Pop culture, Hollywood movies, they are the ones to blame.

They give us unrealistic portrayals of how we are supposed to feel, what we are supposed to do and say.

However, I think that's what made made (500) Days of Summer interesting.

It was realistic.

It was believable.

Most of all, it hit close to home.

The Escape

The silence as night turns to day.
A silence I endure each and every day.
A silence which tortures my mind.

Why did it all end up like this?
And to think, someone I considered a close friend won't even talk to me about it.
You broke my trust.
You went against your own words.
You're a fucking child.
You don't know when to say no.

But, if you make her happy, then by all means continue.
However, I can never trust you again.
How can I?
How could you?

Not that it matters.
Right now, I just need to get out of here.
Really far away from here.
I need to escape, from you, from her, from this place.
Its haunting me and I can't take it.

Not a single crap was given.

All these years I was right about you.
As much as I didn't want to believe it.
I never told you anything.
I'll never tell you anything.
Not like you care anyway.

As soon as I heard the words come out from your mouth.

"I don't care."
"I don't care."

I need to get out of here. Fast.

Your Turn.

There.
I said it.
I honestly said what I feel.
Now you hold the cards.
Its your turn.

If I just disappear, will everything be better?

Withdrawal

What is wrong with me.
Don't eat.
Don't sleep.
Don't study.
What am I...

So many feelings just building up, but there's no release.
Sometimes I forget how much I've bottled up.
At other times I feel like I'm going to explode.
Especially late at night/early in the morning.
And those are the loneliest times.
Even if there was someone I could talk to, they would be asleep.
Not that anyone cares.

I feel like a paradox.
I want to yell my feelings out to anyone who cares to listen.
But I'm scared to say how I really feel.
Because it would either make or break my life right now.
I don't even know what I'm achieving by writing this right now.

I guess...
I want you back.
More than ever.
Even if we have no future.
I miss you more than you'll ever know.
I miss the feeling you gave me.
Was it happiness?
I'm beginning to forget.
All I know is, I was a far better person with you.

I know, I know.
I shouldn't be relying on someone to make me happy.
But even if I want you back.
There's no way that will happen.
There's no way I can tell you how I feel.
When did everything get so complicated between us?
Between everyone?

I've become so...withdrawn.

Ne-Yo - Let Me Love You (Until You Learn To Love Yourself)

Girl let me love you
And I will love you
Until you learn to love yourself
Girl let me love you
And all your troubles
Don't be afraid, girl let me help
Girl let me love you
And I will love you
Until you learn to love yourself

It will be a long time before I ever love myself.

Not. Good. Enough.

This is the only conclusion I can come to.
You gave me no answers.
Only reasons.

Why is this the only thing I can think of?
Every time I think I have an answer it comes back to this one simple reason.

Not. 
Good. 
Enough.

And maybe that's the right one.

Cos you know what?
It always comes back to this.
I'm going in circles.
Its driving me crazy.
I can't sleep.

But never mind, that's normal.

Could it possibly be true?
That I'll never be enough?

Most. 
Fucking. 
Likely.

And So, That's That.

I'm back to square one.
Alone and miserable.
But that's ok.
Its where I've always ended up.
Its where I'm supposed to be.
I've given up.
There is nothing out there for me.
Its just unfair.
But since when has life ever been fair?
Especially to me.
I can't feel anything anymore.
Only pain.
I don't sleep, don't eat.
All I can do is try and cope with it all.
But I'm not coping very well.
I can't smile.
I don't know how to be happy.
Its driving me crazy.
All these feelings.
I just want to explode.
I just want to be able to tell someone.
But there's no one there.
Darkness surrounds me.
It keeps happiness away from me.
I find myself in this dark, deep hole.
Unable to escape.
The fate of my life bearing down upon me.
Its daunting.
Its painful.
But what can I do?
If this is truly how it is meant to be, then how can I fight it?
All I can do is lie back and accept it.
Live this li(f)e that is filled with misery.
And all I can do is pretend.
Pretend that it doesn't hurt me.
Pretend that everything is ok.
But on the inside.
I'm dying.
Slowly.
Piece by piece.
I'm just hoping one day it kills me.
But knowing my luck.
This is going to be the rest of my life.
Living like this.
Suffering, but wearing a smile.
I need help.
But it's never going to be enough.

Well Its Over Now

So that's that.
Game Over.
But its ok.
You two are better off without me in the picture.
I would only make things more complicated.
Things are already messed up.
They're about to get worse.
I don't think I can handle it.
I just want to escape.
Escape into the nothingness that lives within me.
To the vast black emptiness.
I'm long gone.

Timing

Timing is everything.
It's the key to success.
Or failure.
But I don't think there will ever be a right time for this.
I need to tell you.
It's killing me, having to hide it from you.
I know this will probably end badly.
But isn't it nice to know that you're liked?
Even if you don't feel the same way.

Anxiety

Why are all these feelings rising up now?
I can hardly contain them.
What has happened to me?
I thought I was prepared.
But you changed everything.
I know this won't work.
But I want it anyway.
Its distracting me.
Being so close, yet so far.
I don't understand you.
Do you, or don't you?
I just need an answer.

I'm panicking.
I feel like I can't breathe.
What do I do?

Right Here, Right Now

I know what I said.
But I don't care.
I know that it won't work.
But I don't care.
I know that this might fuck things up.
But I don't care.

Because right now, you're the only I want to be with.
Screw the consequences.
You're the only one worth waking up for.
The one I wait to see.
But it drives me crazy.
Knowing that I can never call you mine.
Knowing that I can never tell you.
It's killing me inside.
I know that you'd be better of without me.
But would it not be worth trying?

We can't know for sure.
I only know that I want to be with you now.
And if I don't take this opportunity I'll regret it.
All I need is a sign.

Fallen - Jason Derulo

You are the one, who makes it worth getting up in the morning.
I'd trade the sun, for the chance to show you I'm all in.
We could be like Jay and Beyonce,
Bonnie and Clyde us like a movie, take that chance on love yeah.

Now I can't predict what the future holds,
But I'll fight forever to keep you close yeah.

Spiral Down

And, as suddenly as it had opened, the door slammed shut again.
The faint tendrils of sunshine were shut out by the grey cast iron door.
His hand reached out, and dropped in despair.
He tucked his knees to his chest, face down as the tears began to well up.
The long hours passed, but there was no way to tell.
It did not matter to him anymore.
The outside world was no longer of importance.
The shell of a once confident, young man now sat, dishevelled and despairing.
He could not reach out, nor express his feelings.
There was only bitterness, an all consuming darkness that engulfed his mind.

The End

This is just proof.
Proof that you never loved me.
Proof that I'm meant to be miserable.
Proof that I'm meant to be alone.

If you loved me you would try.
If you loved me you wouldn't want to see me miserable.
If you loved me I wouldn't be alone.

But you don't love me, you never did.
So this is the end.
Goodbye.

Fairytales

Do fairytales really exist?
Because I feel like I'm stuck in one.
Albeit, an oddly twisted one.
Or maybe its normal?
I don't know.

I keep on imagining those scenes from movies.
You know, where the two lovers finally meet?
Is that what the future holds?
To be honest, I'm hoping that day comes.
When I finally see her again.
And the day that we can finally be together forever.

But even if I'm stuck in some strange fairytale.
I know that I can't just sit here and wait for things to happen.
The future rests in my hands.
I know that if I want to achieve it, all I have to do is try.
I have to reach out and grasp my future.

Your own two hands will shape your future.
So to those of you with doubts and fears.
Clear your mind and strive for what you want.
Because if you try hard enough, you will achieve it.


Changed The Way You Kiss Me - Example

I've never been afraid of the highest heights
Or afraid of flying now
I've never been afraid of the wildest fights
Not afraid of dying

Hiatus

Sorry I've been neglecting my blog lately.
Been kind of busy/lazy (mostly lazy).

Anyway, lately I'm starting to have my doubts.
Is it normal, or is this just how I am?
Despite all the reassurances, I just don't know.
I don't know why I think about it.
I really shouldn't be.
But its always somewhere at the back of my mind.
I should be concentrating on the positive.
Not on the "what if" scenarios.
Because they are just possibilities, not probabilities.
I just have to trust in what I can do.
The power I hold to keep this going.
And I have to trust in you.
And if I didn't, then I wouldn't even have the right to call you my girlfriend.
You're the one for me, I'm sure of it.
Even if we can't express ourselves physically at the moment.
We just have to be patient.
Grow trust, maintain our emotional connection.
Because this time I don't want to fail.
This time I plan to succeed.
Its just a matter of time.

Wanda ♥

Maybe you were right all along.
Maybe I should have had some faith in you all this time.
Maybe this is fate.
Maybe its some divine intervention.
But, enough maybes.
It's finally happened.
Somehow, this amazing person has come into my life.
It's funny though, how it happened in such an unlikely place.

We Found Love - Rihanna

We found love in a hopeless place
We found love in a hopeless place
We found love in a hopeless place
We found love in a hopeless place

Whatever, it doesn't matter.
We made a promise, I plan to keep it.
You're my everything and I will marry you.
Just like I promised.
I don't care about the distance.
I don't care what other people will think.
I don't care that you're so far away.
Because I truly love you.

Feel So Close - Calvin Harris

I feel so close to you right now
It's a force field
I wear my heart upon my sleeve, like a big deal
Your love pours down on me, surrounds me like a waterfall
And there's no stopping us right now
I feel so close to you right now

You

Te amo, con todo mi corazon.

Tu eres todo para mi.

Te necesito.

The "Circle" Of Life

I realise now that there is an order to life.
I wouldn't necessarily say it is a circle...
More like and oval.
Large in the middle and narrower at the two ends.
But it doesn't have a circular flow.
I'd rather think of it as a ladder.
With many, many rungs upon it.
Ranging from those who are worst off, to those living to their heart's content.
But this is not just about money, fame or wealth.
It is about happiness.
You see, at the bottom of the ladder are those who are depressed.
People who have suffered their entire lives.
Yet, these people who suffer are kind-hearted, willing to give up everything.
You remember how I said it was a ladder right?
Well these people at the bottom are always stepped on.
Used like a stepping stone to reach higher up the ladder.
Which leads me to the middle of this ladder.
Where a majority of people are.
From somewhat happy to quite.
They are ignorant and selfish and quite content.
But when times are tough, they begin to slide down the ladder.
Until someone at the bottom boosts them back up.
Now, for the top of the ladder.
It is unbelievably rare for someone to reach the top.
An individual who has reached the penultimate goal in life.
True happiness.
A person who accepts who they are and what they have.
Never wanting more than they need.
That is a rare person indeed.
Almost impossible to believe.
But it should be possible.
Somewhere out there, there is someone with such happiness.
But never forget those who help you to reach happiness.
Those depressed, self-loathing people who skirt at the ladder's base.
Those who will always be there to support you no matter how dire their situation is.
These are just the building blocks of life.
This order seems to be the way things just work out.

I'm falling, further and further into the darkness.
I can barely grasp the first rung of the ladder.
My grip grows weaker and weaker.
Until I'm holding on by my fingertips.
Is this the end?

Acknowledgement

永遠など無い わかっていたつもりだよ

That's why I'm not even going to try.

悲しみ

Losing the ability to smile.
Just watching, waiting.
But it all seems so surreal.
Maybe it's all just an illusion?
A dream that I'll never wake up from.
Or maybe what I'm hoping for is a dream?
All I can see is this road stretching beyond me.
My hands gently guiding the wheel.
The headlights reaching into the darkness ahead.
All I can do is watch the white lines along the road.
Hoping they come to an end.
Hoping I'll find the answer.
But it never seems to end.
There is no fairytale, no happy ending.
Only more and more of the road ahead.
Is that all life has to offer?
This endless road filled with sadness and loneliness?
Maybe I'm just forbidden to be happy.